**## Say yes to a person, not to a proposal

A proposal is a performance. It can be beautiful and still tell you almost nothing about whether the two of you should spend forty years together.

These nine questions are not romantic. Answer them anyway, out loud, before you accept.

1. Why do you want to marry me specifically?

Listen carefully. "Because I love you" is not an answer, it is a feeling. You want to hear something particular: what they have seen in you over time, and what they think you will build together.

2. What does a normal week look like for us in two years?

Not the wedding. The Tuesday. Where do we live, who cooks, who pays for what, when do we see family, how much time do we actually spend together?

3. How will we handle money?

Joint account, separate accounts, or a hybrid? Who decides on large purchases? What happens if one of us is out of work for a year?

4. Do we both want children, and what if we cannot have them?

Ask it plainly now. It is a much harder conversation at year four with a family asking questions.

5. What is your relationship with your parents, and what will they expect from us?

In our culture, everyone marries into a family. Know precisely how much of that family is coming with you.

6. How do you behave when you are angry with me?

You have probably already seen it. Name it and agree on how you will handle it.

7. What was your past relationship really like, and what did you learn?

Not for gossip. For pattern. Someone who describes every ex as crazy has learned nothing.

8. What is your faith, and how will it show up at home?

Private belief is one thing. Shared practice, prayer, giving and raising children in it is another.

9. If we are struggling, who do we tell?

Every couple needs one or two people who can help without taking sides. Decide who they are before you need them.

What to do with the answers

You are not looking for perfect. Nobody passes nine out of nine.

You are looking for three things:

Honesty. Are they answering you or performing for you?

Alignment. Where you differ, is it a difference you can live with, or one that will quietly grow?

Willingness. Do they want to work at the space between you, or do they need you to already fit?

If the answers are honest, if the big things align, and if you both want to build, say yes. And if they are not, do not let a beautiful proposal make a decision you will spend years undoing.**